It brings me back to that dreadful day last year. You didn't wait for me to get back to the hospital before you left, but it's okay ma, I know that until the end you were thinking of me, I've been beside you almost 24/7 the last six months and you chose to leave at that moment when I wasn't around. I understand. I know you too well to know that it was extremely difficult for you leave as it was for me to be left behind.
When I saw you, I felt a certain peace, relieved knowing that you were no longer in pain. My body relaxed from this gripping tension that has overtaken me since the day you were diagnosed. I was released from the crippling fear as my worst fear has been realized in front of my very eyes. But even if I cried silent tears, there was havoc within me, it felt as though my chest was about to burst, my whole body was trembling from trying to suppress all raging emotions. I was afraid of letting you go, I didn't want to let you go, but at that moment, what else could I have done?
To this day, I still hope to awaken from this nightmare.
Sadly, I have to come to terms with my new reality.
Crying in the shower and quiet sobbing in the middle of the night, they are part of my new reality. I will have to live with them and embrace them. I don't want to, but I have to.
I started to dread special occasions too because they will always remind me of you. I cried at CCF during their Mother's Day tribute, ma. I cried on my birthday and I cried on yours. I know it will be tear-filled journey from here on.
Ma, I miss you terribly I cannot express it in words, even tears that leave me gasping for air do not give justice to this deep yearning to see you again, to hold you again.
I am longing for you, your presence, your voice, your touch, your smile.
I miss everything about you, even that when you get grumpy when hungry. :)
I said it before and I'll say it again. You are my greatest blessing. You are the love of my life.
I will forever be grateful that I had you for 30 years.
I hope we had more years together, but we had a wonderful relationship, there was nothing for us to fix, maybe that's also why we didn't need more time--But still.
I have no regrets. You knew how much I love you and so did I.
Thank you mama for loving me the way you did. Knowing no boundaries and conditions.
Thank you mama for making our house a home. I genuinely say that I had a happy home because you were in it, I liked being home because of you. Wherever you were, that was home to me.
Thank you mama because I did not need to find assurance and love elsewhere. You made me feel loved and significant.
Thank you mama for investing on us.
Thank you for modelling strength despite the most difficult trial you went through.
There's too many things that I want to thank you for, but ultimately I thank the Lord for blessing me with a mama like you.
It was painful and traumatic losing you to cancer. Something that never ever crossed my mind, even my imagination.
Then again, it's a reminder for me to live the life, to take courage and to get out of my comfort zone. Life on earth is indeed limited.
I miss you dearly, Ma.
But while you're there and I am here, I will try to make every moment count.
I love you, always.
No comments:
Post a Comment