Are we nicer to friends than close family? Why?

Ever had a family member tell you to treat them like you treat strangers?--Cause you're way nicer to people you don't know than you are to your family?

It's painful to hear right?

This is not something we confront each other with but truth is that it's happening everyday.

There are times that we find ourselves being nicer to our friends, colleagues or even people we just randomly met than to close family.  I have pondered on that thought myself and honestly it brings forth a feeling of guilt and shame.  It reminds me of how mean, impolite, disrespectful and unappreciative I can be at times.

This does not mean we love our families less, no.  Family will always be special. We all know that it's a different dynamic when it comes to families.

Oftentimes it's a love and hate relationship, I guess that happens when you hang around with certain people for so long.

When I say we are "nicer", I am pertaining to behavioral factors such as the common courtesy, attitude, politeness, and so on.

So I asked some of my friends if they think sometimes they find themselves being nicer to their friends than to their family members, and I wasn't at all surprised that everyone answered yes.

Below are the top reasons why.

Familiarity 

Our family members have seen us through the good and the bad, literally.

From petty bad hair days, mood swings, awkward years, they've seen us through triumphs and failures, through our proudest moments to consequences of bad decision making.

Friends only know us from a certain beginning, they most likely haven't witnessed us at our weakest moments to base our actions on things we did in the past.

Families tend to bring up past mistakes and promises of change that has yet to be realized.

We know each other so well that we no longer fall for the 999th promise that has yet to be broken.

They know our character flaws and we know theirs, so it's unavoidable that we nitpick on each other's shortcomings at times.

Since we are together most times, we tend to get into each other's nerves over petty things more often and easily as we are in each other's way.

The ties that bind

We cannot unbrother our brother or unfather our father the way we can unfriend a friend.

Regardless of whether you're not in speaking terms with some family members, at the end of the day it's the same bloodline running through your veins.

Having said that, we are in some way stuck with each other whether we like it or not.

Friends come and go, we may even have different friends in different seasons of our lives.

We tend to be nicer to them because they have the option to cut us out if they can no longer tolerate our shortcomings.  Our relationships with our friends are actually a choice we made and not something that we are born in to and have no control over.

As for family, we have to love and bear with each other, regardless.  We tend to take them for granted because we expect them to accept us and understand us all the time.  It does not mean that it is right nor fair but that's the reality.

Expectations/Disappointments

The most important people in our lives tend to have the most expectations from us as we do from them.  In a family setting, we all play a certain role, and if someone in the family fails to play their part, it will affect the rest of its members.  Many problems arise from this.

Just like a child would expect love, care and nurturing from his/her parents, he/she will not have this same expectation from a stranger.  We play an essential and vital role in our own families.

When we encounter unmet expectations from people who matter most, it creates a little crack in our brick of trust and as these disappointments accumulate over time, the cracks will seem more visible.

Since there is no way to unrelate yourself to certain people in your lives, like family, the cracks manifest as little outbursts, arguments, disrespect and other unpleasant behavior.

This is because the people who matter the most can hurt you the most.

With friends, we have less expectations.  We don't expect them to raise us, provide for us, love us sacrificially or care for and nurture us to be good and decent individuals.

Being a good friend is no comparison to being a good mother/father/brother/sister/relative.

It's a different unit of measurement altogether.

Too comfortable

We are too at-home with family that we oftentimes forget being polite is still necessary.

We're less guarded with our words and our true colors just show through and through.

Home just feels like a safe place to throw a fit when things aren't going your way, without fear of being judged and shunned forever.

I remember last March in Boracay, while walking on the shore at sunset we passed by a Filipina mom and her (maybe) American raised son of 6 or 7 years old?  The mom mentioned something about "show Belle", then the kid answered "show belle? SHOVEL!" 

It was actually very funny, and I can somewhat relate to the kid on how quick he was to correct his mom, like it was nothing, no offense meant.  In relation to this point, I believe we are that much comfortable with family, we're not very restricted in terms of allowing ourselves to just be ourselves.  I would be extra cautious when correcting a friend or maybe not do that at all cause I will be concerned as to how he/she might take the correction, but with family, it's no holds barred.

We try to be in our best behaviour with our friends, careful with our words and conscious not to come off too bossy, offensive or irritable because we don't want to be judged by what we say and how we act.  Since nobody wants to be a social outcast, we put in an extra effort to be polite, likeable and pleasant.

At home, there are no judgements -- just another day in the life.

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These are just some of the reasons (or excuses) I have gathered and related to as well as to why we tend to treat our families less nice than we ought to.

Having gone through the Glorious Hope program in CCF, I know that a lot of factors are at play as to why we do the things we do and behave the way we behave, most of which stems from the past as far as our childhood.

I am also aware that some families are way too dysfunctional that some people find it very difficult to cultivate a loving relationship with its members.

Even so, I believe that we can all improve in the aspect of treating our families more lovingly.

Effort is necessary in order for any relationship to work out.

Effort to be more polite, appreciative, grateful, kind, forgiving, thoughtful and sensitive.

If we fail today, let's try again tomorrow.  Let's not give up on ourselves and let's not be discouraged.  Just push on and keep trying because our families deserve our best effort.

Here are some pointers that I want to remind myself daily.

• I will be a valuable asset to my family.
• If I can be kind to strangers, I can be kind to the people around me.
• I am exactly where I am supposed to be.  
• I will bloom where I am planted.
• Charity begins at home.
• Everything begins at home.

Our family deserves to be treated like strangers. :)

*These are my random thoughts and opinions.  It does not speak for anybody else except myself.  If you feel the same way, feel free to comment.  If you don't agree, you are entitled to your opinion and I respect that.  Rude behaviour will not be tolerated, bring that somewhere else.